TofuPunk.com | Quitters never win

* Maira Kalman visits Monticello, presents a beautiful portfolio of the experience.

* WFMU DJs took a bazillion photos of their recent trip to the Primavera music festival in Spain. I like this rock themed order board:

Shouldn’t the Neil Young have back bacon?

* Matt finished Robert Littell’s Stalin Epigram, asked for some Soviet-era Russian literature recommendations. Here is a pic of the first part of my recs, plus some crap his therapist gave him for homework.

Bulgakov. Zamyatin. Sholokhov. We’re partying like it’s 1928!

* If you, like me, have multiple gold-foiled invites pinned under a Valerie Solanas magnet on your fridge, find consolation at I Hate Weddings and Tacky Weddings. And sneak a flask in.

* Why are weddings so generic, boring, tacky, cliché? Why can’t they ever be like this? I need more artist friends…

* I do not know why KAWS does what he does, but his skeletal Mickey Mouse robot rocks my world.

* Michael Bay tries to explain the presence of racist robots in Transformers: ROTF(L).

Explain the gold tooth, b***h.

* Cracked takes a peek at Bay’s storyboards for his “Great Gatsby” adaptation.

“Is that a typo, or does Gatsby only speak in explosions now?”

* Just remember, kids…

* People are doing what now??

* Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal asks: What about chickens?

The Krays: Flesh and Blood, a documentary about London crime bosses Reggie and Ronnie Kray, is on YouTube in its entirety, for the curious and strong-stomached. NSFW (Recreated violence. Srsly, someone gets a Glasglow grin, like, 30 seconds in.)

You know, this Monty Python sketch would’ve made a lot more sense to me as a kid if I’d ever heard of the Kray brothers. Stupid American upbringing!

Dimsdale?

In the mood for a British gangster flicker after that? How about The Long Good Friday? Bob Hoskins as the psychotic, Cockney king pin, Helen Mirren as… oh dear G_d, I forgot how smoking hot she was.

More movies you might’ve missed: The 2003 Russian film The Return. Beautifully shot. Dark, dark s***.

Movies I missed: 1991’s Kafka, starring Jeremy Irons, Ian Holm, Joel Grey, and Alec Guinness, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

Irons, Holm, Grey, Guinness, and Soderbergh?? What the f*** are you waiting for??

I’ve seen one Guy Maddin film, The Saddest Music in the World. I loved it. But when I read the back of the boxes for his other films I wonder if someone’s playing a joke. Vampires? Incest? Icelandic hospitals??

Trailers for all the Maddin films I’ll rent once I make sure he doesn’t work for Candid Camera.

The Heart of the World

Tales From the Gimli Hospital

My Winnipeg

I hope this satisfies your insatiable need for saucy puppet shows, Matt: a clip of “Cartoon Dump” live, featuring Frank Conniff as Moodsey the Clinically Depressed Owl and Joel Hodgson as that little, wooden-jawed horn dog Dumpster Diver Dan.

It is *so weird* to hear Joel swear…

My frequent flier friends’ll like this: Bob Mills reveals that ancient Egyptians had… airports. Make sure you watch part two all the way to the end, lol.

Matt, you didn’t believe me, so here it is: Chickenfoot, a “supergroup” consisting of Joe Satriani, Michael Anthony, Chad Smith, and… *shudder*… Sammy Hagar.

The song’s titled “Learning To Fall”, but I swear I read it as “Learning To Fail”.

* Spike Lee remembers Michael Jackson and the doors he opened for African-American musicians: “Back then, MTV was lily white.” RIP, you magnificent dancer…

* America on the verge of being minority Protestant.

* Ouch: “I have to admire the residents of Iroquois territory for assuming that they have a right to determine where Jews should live in Jerusalem.”

* Comic author detained at LAX for a script about America becoming a police state after 9/11. “The TSA agents proceeded to interrogate me, having a hard time understanding that a comic book could be about anything other than superheroes, let alone that anyone actually wrote scripts for comics.”

* Guards commit more rape than inmates. That’s… unsettling…

* When people look at photographs of men and women who appear sad, angry, or scared, the women are described as “emotional,” but the men are probably “having a bad day.” Ah, that grand old internal/external divide…

* You know that old bumper sticker, Anonymous Was a Woman? ‘Turns out the same goes for cave art.

* Want to change your brain? Grab a tool.

* Where is Facebook getting these kooky friend suggestions from?

* WTC: One star sci-fi reviews revealed to be a single author’s sock puppets.

* Hate what Twilight did to Nosferatu? Blame Joss Whedon for making vampires wimpy.

* Most scathing “Transformers: ROTF(L)” reviews. “Terry Schiavo would have been bored by this bloated, ponderous piece of s***.”

* But they don’t understand: Michael Bay finally made an art film! “This isn’t a movie, in the conventional sense. It’s an assault on the senses, a barrage of crazy imagery. Imagine that you went back in time and found Terry Gilliam, fresh from doing his weird low-fi collage/animations for Monty Python. You proceeded to inject Gilliam with steroids and put a dozen tabs of LSD under his tongue. Gilliam might have made a movie not unlike this one.”

* When did food ads become hardcore porn? Fav user comments:

“Enough already, what we really want is the Wendy and the King sex tape to be released!”

“I saw it. Really the creepiest part is Ronald McDonald directing from behind the camera. You wouldn’t believe the things he made Wendy do! And then the fry guys came in to the shot. Nevermind, I don’t want to spoil it for you.”

“I was quite frankly surprised at Grimace’s girth.”

“So that’s why Mayor McCheese was forced to resign.”

* Janeane Garofalo: $cientologist???? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!